Category Archives: Brokenness

May10

Ain’t Pretending

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Teri

 ”None of us can approach a serious study and consideration of the eternal nature and person of Jesus Christ without sensing and confessing our complete inadequacy in the face of the divine revelation.”  A. W. Tozer

(You Teri curly - smmight have guessed I’ve been reading a lot of Tozer lately.)

There are a few, simple maxims I use to help guide me.

One of those is, “I ain’t a gonna pretend to be something I ain’t.” Although it’s horrific grammar, it is good sense. One of the many ways we mess up following “the way” of Jesus is when we pretend we have it all together.

Having permission to **not** have it all together
is kinda the point of the gospel.

My little, grammatically incorrect ditty reminds me that I don’t want to be the type of Christian who stands beside the cross and says, “Look at me. I wish you all were as pious as me.” Aaaaaa…no.

I want to be a follower who kneels before the cross and professes, “Come on – there’s room! Join me! If Jesus can save a wretch like me, he sure has you covered.”

tiredanimals01So, I’m going to live one of my wretch moments right here in front of you…ready?

I’m tired. I confess, I am weary.

Today, this Christian walk thing seems like a burden, a great weight I can’t seem to lift.

Today, letting God lead feels a whole lot like death. It feels like God is relentless attacking every single stinking remnant of selfish ambition, desire, and pride inside of me.

You know, if I’m not mistaken, I think He is intent on destroying EVERYTHING in me that is not like Jesus.

I mean, seriously!

I like food. I really, really like it. It comforts me. It soothes me when I’m feeling down. It brings me up, so much in fact, that I take second helpings. Okay, thirds sometimes, but only once in awhile. I’m not nearly the overeater that most American’s are.

I think God is intent on me learning **gasp** moderation! Seems like he thinks I run to food for comfort a bit too much. It’s like He thinks it’s damaging this masterpiece of a temple he created as well as causing some serious self-loathing injuries to my soul. I even think that the God of the universe has the audacity to think that I should run to Him for comfort.

Huh…okay…well, I can see His point. BUT…

What about the patience thing? I mean, I’ve been holding out for God to make good on a few promises He made years ago. How long must I wait? I’ve been good, obedient, patient. I’ve gone above and beyond, if you ask me. And…still waiting…clock ticking…waiting…when, Lord, when? I mean, I’ve been more faithful and patient than most Christians. I deserve a break, right?

checklistAm I doing this Christian thing wrong? Maybe I’m messing up something that’s making God hold back his blessing? Just tell me how to do it right. Give me the checklist of dos and don’ts, then I got this thing nailed!

Oh yeah…God’s been speaking oodles to me about the performance driven faith thing that seems to permeate every fiber of my being. **deep sigh** If only I could be more like Beth Moore.

And then there’s that comparison thing.

**** pause for contemplation ****

Geez…you’d think He was doing spiritual surgery or something.

Did I say that I was weary?

I’m thinking it’s easier to pretend that everything-is-oh-so-cool and that I believe God’s main gig is to ensure I’m happy, healthy, and wealthy. It’s boring, unfulfilling, and oozing with silent shame – I’ll give you that. But, easier than having every idol I’ve hung my hope on blasted into bits.

(Am I comparing again?)

I’m a gleaming ray of sunshine, aren’t I? (The good news – the times I feel like this are becoming less often and don’t last as long.)

When I feel like this there is only one place that really brings the comfort that matters.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
  my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.” Psalm 130:5-6

All I gotta say is, “There’s room.”

Jan18

Driven

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Teri

Teri in the Tetons

As most of us do at the beginning of a new year, I’ve been pondering the lessons of the past few years. What we learn in the last season becomes the launchpad for the next.

As I look back, I realize it often felt like God was dismantling everything I knew about myself and Him. And I now understand why.

God needed to open my eyes to see what motivated my actions, responses, and choices.

I’ve spent most of my 40+ years as a very driven woman. Driven by fear of what might happen, what might not happen, and the terror of not doing it right.  Just about everything I did was to prove to myself  and everyone else that I was somehow worthy of God’s love.

I find that driven people ask the questions, “What if I do this wrong?” and “What if I disappoint myself or others?”

Driven people are often compelled to focus on the faults of others. They do this so they can make themselves feel better for what they lack and so that they can avoid looking inwardly.

Driven people have an insatiable thirst to fill the hole left by their own inadequacies. They are driven by the pain of their insecurities.

They often become super-overachievers or super-underachievers. Either way, they will do just about anything they can to fit in so they can feel the approval they so dearly seek.

Driven people have don’t horrific things in the name of Jesus. I have done horrific things believing myself todesert be righteous.

I worked as hard as I knew how to be loving, patient, kind, gracious, peaceful, and self controlled.  I accomplished a bunch of good things that didn’t last because my heart was empty.

By God’s grace, there came a point I was too empty to do those things anymore. No matter how much I tried to pull myself up by the bootstraps, there was no more strap left to pull.

That was when I realized I was doing the right things, but not from the right heart. I was operating out of duty, obligation, and fear.

It was a very dark time of my spiritual walk. It felt like God was punishing me or had abandoned me entirely.

I’ve been talking to a lot of dreamers lately who are walking through darkness. Their human effort and drive isn’t sufficient anymore. They are coming to the end of their own ability.

Looking back, I can see that allowing me to come to the end of my human effort was the most loving thing God could do. It was when there was no more drive left in me that I saw it for what it was; an empty woman trying to fill herself.

I want to encourage you – THIS IS GOD’S LOVE SPILLING OUT ON YOU. This is grace.

I know it feels a lot more like a dry and weary desert land. But, believe me, it is love.

You have to go through the desert in order to get to the promised land.

It’s part of dying to self and your own ambition. It’s necessary in order to see what being Spirit-filled and led means.

The desert sucks. I know. But, the promised land is worth it!

We’ll talk about the promised land in the next post. But, until then…

What is driving you today?

“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”  Psalm 63:1

Jan9

Pressing Delete

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Teri

CAM00022The last couple of years of my life have been a study in crazy, wacky, illogical things. I sold or gave away just about everything I owned. Moved to Georgia. Worked for basically nothing. Tried to build a new ministry from scratch with no budget and simply not enough talent, resources, or time.

Then I traipsed around the country, dragging my young daughter and a few other twenty-somethings with me. Going from city to city, church to church, house to house, to see what kind of Kingdom dreams God was stirring up.

Now, I’m back in Iowa, hold up in a tiny hamlet just outside of Des Moines, putting the finishing touches on a novel that’s been in the works for over a year.

And I did all this because I really believe with all my heart that God told me to do it.

My pocket book is a little lighter and I’m a tad more tired than I was before God yanked me from my comfort zone.

YET…

I’m more alive than I ever could have dreamed or imagined.

I’m gonna tell you true…I will take abundant life over a heavier pocket book any day.

One of the most precious gifts I’ve learned through this topsy-turvy life I’ve been living is the freedom in pressing delete. (Check out this post from the other day for the back story.)

I get the question all the time, “How do you know you can hear from God? How do you know he told you to do those things?”

The frank answer…I don’t know for sure.

I prayed…I fasted…I searched out Godly counsel…I listened…I surrendered…and then I obeyed the best as I could.

I guess I subscribe to the very simple belief that when I meet Jesus face to face, I’d rather have him say, “You trusted me just a little too much” than “Why didn’t you trust me more?”

Have I made mistakes? You bet I have!

Have I caused myself more pain than necessary? Oh yeah.

Will I keep believing you can hear from God? Yep.

Will I keep doing things that don’t make sense to the world? Absolutely! When God asks me to. (I don’t really want to go looking for the wacky things.)

Why?

Because, through the grace of God, I’ve been given a delete button. One that I can push after I mess up. All I have to do is repent and receive the forgiveness that is freely offered, press delete, and get back at it.

Does that mean I don’t continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling? Are you kidding?!

The delete button is not our excuse to keep on sinning. I remember someone saying once, “God forbid!”

It’s my freedom.

Freedom to be flesh yet strive to operate from a spirit-filled place.

Too many dreams die because we fear messing them up. Far too many!

The delete button offers us the way to walk in freedom and power despite our weakness.

It was paid for by Christ’s blood. Purchased on our behalf, for our freedom and sanctification.

God doesn’t want our weaknesses to inhibit us from following his leading. He wants to show his glory through our weaknesses!

I am weak and imperfect. I stumble. I fall. I get up. I ask forgiveness, press delete, and press on.

I didn’t recognize the power of the delete button until I was pulled out of my well-oiled life of comfort and thrust into something decided uncomfortable.

Sometimes, God asks us to do crazy, wild, wacky things in order to show us what an incredibly awesome and beautiful God he is.

What do you need to press delete on today?

Oct19

Rescue For Us All

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The Dream Tour is heading to Chicago today. Please be in prayers for their safe travel.

ToniLyn

Roberto and I met with Jen from Beautiful Feet Ministries to discuss their story of starting up strip club outreach in North Georgia. It is the ministry Jen, Beau, and I actually brainstormed together last Spring and now is a few months old.

Beautiful Feet is an outreach that is about building friendships with women who dance in clubs for a living.

JESUS IN A STRIP CLUB

Club outreach is eye-opening, but not for the reasons that may come to mind. It was eye-opening because it was nothing that we’d always imagined. Before you are aware of what it truly looks like to work there by someone who is sharing their story, it seems that these are only places where darkness resides and fear has its dominion.

However, that is far from the case, and even in the case that it was true, that’s more reason to be present; a voice of hope, life, and freedom for women who may not otherwise hear or experience this. We have found that a steady and positive presence in their lives speaks volumes and begins breaking down walls toward growth and freedom.

It has been my firsthand experience through this ministry that it is a truly humbling thing to go out and realize your mindset is still somewhat stuck in “rescuing” someone who is “least of these” and in that realizing you too are in need of rescue still.

Recognizing my own arrogance and brokenness in my often too dignified independence. To recognize your own brokenness in the midst of it is really challenging. It’s messy to do ministry from scratch, to even call it ministry when the true desire is to honor women who are often dishonored. Beautiful Feet works to bring the knowledge and reminder that these women’s worth is far greater than they’ve been told or imagined.

So our evening was a night of revisiting dear friends at their place of work. We brought bright pink roses in a purple vase. We all laughed and shared the latest stories of life. It was a breath of fresh air.

 

SEX TRAFFICKING IN NORTH GEORGIA

Yes. There is sex trafficking that goes on in rural North Georgia.

As we sat down with Jen and her fiance Beau, they talked openly about the area and what exactly trafficking tends to look like there. House brothels in the burbs, AMPs (Asian Massage Parlors) open 24 hours, and girls as young as 14 being manipulated by traffickers who troll the middle and high schools and malls.

If this sounds shocking, it is. If you are relieved that this isn’t your city, well, it is your city. The look of sex trafficking varies from community to community but those are just some basic facts and you will want to remain educated on your own area.

These sort of facts aren’t a reason to live in fear, or without hope of change.

It is a way to protect your own children and women and kids you know by guarding them with knowledge. These aren’t kidnappings, they are women and children being coerced by people who are trained and skilled at finding their weakness. Clothes, jewelry, food, compliments, etc.

Educate yourself on your area. Find your local police station phone number and call in tips if you spot unusual activity.

Sep20

Why God Allows the Pits

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Teri

“Dear Lord. It’s me. I know you’ve heard this before…a lot…but I’m really discouraged today. Couldn’t you just send a Red Sea sized miracle today and make it all go away?”

Thought I’d give you a little peak into my journal from a few days ago. There have been a few journal entries like this over the years.

Yeah. It’s never worked.

God isn’t a star that we wish upon.

I’ve often battled discouragement along this journey. I think that most passionate people do. Maybe discouragement is the flip side of the coin of passion? Same coin, just two different sides?

Right now, I’m firmly entangled in the tar pits of the dream journey – that stinky, oozing, sticky mass of road blocks, obstacles, and set backs.

It’s hard to fight the discouragement. Do you remember Atreyu in the Swamps of Sadness?

So, why would a loving God who loves to give us Kingdom dreams allow us to fall into the tar pits?

Here are a few thoughts on that…

Faith muscle workout – You fight against a lot of resistance in the tar pits. Any personal trainer knows, it’s the resistance that builds the muscles. It’s there where we strengthen our faith and perseverance.

In our weakness – God is working despite the seemingly huge obstacles. He is working in the midst of them. We may not see it now, but after we’re down the road a few miles, we will be able to look back and see God’s loving hand giving us just what we need, when we need it. We will be able to say, “In my weakness, he was strong.”  It is a promise and God has never disappointed.

Hold up here for a minute – I’m a barrel-through kind of person. I see a road block and something in me just wants to ram it! That’s good in some ways. In other ways, not so good, especially when God wants me to wait. For me, the tar pits have also been times when God’s just asking me to slow down a bit because he’s got something cooking that needs to simmer a bit.

We are in a battle – We have an enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. The tar pits are glaring reminders of that. My disappointment should only serve as a reminder that the enemy of lies has been lying to me once again.

My disappointment provides me an opportunity to ask God to reveal the lie that is beneath my despair, heal the woundedness there, and reveal the truth of his love for me. Disappointment also gives me an opportunity to repent from believing the lie that tells me God isn’t everything he says he is.

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman,
“Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” Genesis 3:1

Draw near  - I cry out to God when I’m stuck in the pits. I beg him to draw near to me. Or more, I am desperate to draw nearer to him. Each day I get a little better about being desperate to be near to him even when I’m in the full-speed ahead, all systems go mode. But, being in the pits remind me just how much I need his presence.

I pray your day is filled with drawing near…

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation  and my God.” Psalm 42:5-6a

Aug24

When There is Suffering

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Teri

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve received about a flood phone calls, emails, or Facebook messages from dreamers on the brink of giving up on their dream.

I think it’s been a rough patch in the whole Body of Believers based on the blog posts, articles, and statuses of late.

The obstacles seem to be as large as boulders and the breakthroughs seem as small as pebbles. And the attacks seem to keep coming.

I really, really hope that you don’t resonate with this at all, but chances are you probably do or at least did or probably will.

All this has me thinking about suffering.

Suffering has never been an “if“, it’s always been a “when” kind of clause for us. We know that. But “when” it comes, we’re often surprised.

But God never promised to keep us from the suffering.

In God’s economy, suffering is always followed by indescribable beauty, redemption, and healing.

I guess I haven’t seem as much of that as I’d like in my life.  I mean, I’ve seen suffering but not as much beauty and healing as I’d like. I think too many of us miss too much of what God wants to produce out of our suffering.

And I think here are some reasons why we miss it:

We take over: Suffering comes and the first thing we do is take it upon ourselves to fix it. We need to take it to prayer first. Offering it to God as an opportunity for his glory to be revealed.

We ruminate: This is the one I usually fall prey to – we think and think and think and rethink our way through every conceivable scenario of how we think it will play out. It’s like playing Life Chess and thinking we can win.  I’m not saying that thinking about our situation is wrong, it’s when we get consumed by it when we go haywire. We need to ruminate on God’s promises and truths instead.

We don’t wait long enough: Sometimes prayers are not answered in milliseconds or even hours and sometimes not even in a day. Our American fast-paced, fast-service, fast-everything gets us in trouble.  I think we’re so used to being comfortable that waiting while we suffer seems crazy. But, God is patient and works everything out for good eventually.

We don’t watch for it: I’m sure there has been beauty, redemption, and healing that I’ve missed because my eyes have been so trained on the details of my suffering. We need to ask God to train our eyes to see his hand and not get lost in our circumstances.

We forget to thank God: Jesus healed 10 lepers and only 1 came back to thank him.

We forget all that God has already done for us in the past:  I’ve been trying to keep a journal of the beauty, redemption, and healing I’ve already received in my life. So the next time I’m in the midst of a bit of suffering, I can go back and remember how God rescued me before.

I pray for you today that you cling to God’s promises, have the eyes to see God’s hand, and the patience to endure with joy.

“to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3

Aug7

Today…

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Teri

Something’s stirring today.

Something’s happening.

God is on the move in the U.S.

I’m seeing and hearing about it everywhere I go.

So many Christ followers are asking the question, “Isn’t there something more??”

I feel it so strongly today I can hardly…speak…write…think…

Please forgive me  for not having a clearly articulated post. Today, it’s  flowing from my heart of hearts…

I watched this video again. It was released about two years ago. And it ignited my passion for something more all over again.

I went to a church service here in Ham Lake, Minnesota Sunday. The Pastor asked the question, ‘Are you a Christian or are you a Disciple of Jesus Christ?”

His intent was to dismantle some of the negative aspects of the title of “Christian”.

It reflects something too squishy, too soft, too indistinct since it means different things to different people.

Biblically, the people in first century Palestine called themselves, “Disciples” or “Followers of the Way.” Which indicates constant movement, constant growth, and wanting to be defined by our journey rather than our title.  It begs the connotation that we never arrive, but always follow The Rabbi.

Yes…

Our Western culture has done many wonderful things, yet, we are not to be conformed to our culture but transformed by the renewing of our minds to The Way, The Truth, and The Life. And that Way is different than the way of the American Dream.

I was talking to a dreamer this week feels God leading her to start her own business. She’s known it for years but has backed off because of the risk. She had more people telling her all the ways it could fail than she had of people encouraging her to follow where God leads her. Yeah, the road’s been tough and probably will get tougher. Yeah, she’s had to go without a lot. Yeah, she has made mistakes and will make more mistakes. And maybe, just maybe she won’t be “successful” in the way our culture defines it.

But, I already see the life growing within her as she walks in obedience. I see the possibilities of all the people she will help. All the lives she will touch. She has a Kingdom mindset now. She’s looking at things from God’s perspective and trusting Him to never leave or forsake her.

Could it be that she’s supposed to start this business not because God wants her to have a comfortable retirement but because there is only one person she’s supposed to connect with to share Jesus? Maybe one customer who comes to know Christ because she obeyed. Would it be worth it even though she never breaks a six-figure salary?

The risk is great, but the reward is eternal.

That is really the essence of the Gospel.

I mean, we believe in a God who is eternal, omnipresent, omnipotent, and is the Creator of life. We believe that He raises the dead, parts the sea, provides manna and water and meat, and can walk on water. We believe that he impregnated a virgin so that His Son could leave his Heavenly throne and come to earth as a lowly man. We believe that he lived a sinless life, died a martyrs death, and God resurrected him three days later to break the hold of sin and death. And that our belief in him washes ALL our sins clean, assures us eternal life in Heaven, and immediately transforms us through the Holy Spirit into beloved sons and daughters of God.

So… that makes absolute and perfect practical sense, doesn’t it?

God went to SUCH lengths to offer salvation. God so loved us…

And, did God offer us all this just so we could be more comfortable and secure. Or did he extend us such blessing so that we could help bring the beauty of grace, salvation,and redemption to the rest of the world?

I guess what I’m saying is that the cross was not meant as a place where we could stand and look around us saying, “Look at me. Be like me. I’m a Christian and therefore better than you. You need to do these things and not do these things to be a good Christian.”

The cross of Jesus was meant to be a place to kneel and plead, “Come one – come all!  There’s room! There’s room! There’s enough room here for everyone! Jesus is calling to you. His grace is enough for everyone. Please come! I’m begging you – there is room! Oh all glory to God! ”

We’re to be the hands and feet of Jesus, showing what a redeemed life looks like in progress. We’re redeemed and being redeemed each day…TODAY.  In our own flesh, it is impossible, but with God all things are possible. It’s called grace and it’s available to you the same as me. No one can out sin God’s grace – that’s why they call it the Good News.

Our world is splintering at it’s very core. The United States is wounded, lost, and breaking down.

Now is the time to fight with such a radical, furious, grace-filled love that it moves mountains.

It will take sacrifice on our parts. It will take us being anti-cultural. It will take surrender to all God is and asks of us. It will cost everything. But, it will give more than we could ever ask or imagine.

What is God stirring inside you today?

Does your life reflect redeeming grace being lived out each day?

If not, I’m here to tell you…there is more! Jesus is more!

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”  Ephesians 3:20-21

Aug4

Seeking Comfort Elsewhere

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Teri


This week I crossed over the line from resting on God’s promises to seeking comfort elsewhere:

I recognized the signs this time:

Boredom without the energy or desire to do anything about it.
Seeking more food (or whatever is your deal) than I need to dull the ache of the boredom.
Despairing over everything I don’t have.
Regretting the last million decisions that led me to this place.

I want the magic pill, diet, and exercise program that will make me lose these extra 30 pounds in 30 days without fail. And to guarantee me I’ll never gain an ounce of it back. And, I don’t really want to have to work very hard at it. It should just fall off without a lot of sweat or sacrifice.

I want the consistent income that will never require me to be unbalanced or bored or frustrated. And that is guaranteed to always be enough to maintain my standard of living.

I want a nice house and a nice car and nice stuff. And I don’t want it to ever cost me more than I’m willing to give.

I always want to be comfortable and secure. I don’t ever want to feel as though I’m lacking for anything.

And since I know that I can’t really have all those things, I think I’ll just have a bowl of ice cream and watch a movie where I can live vicariously through really pretty people in really pretty, adventurous lives.

I might be exaggerating a bit…BUT…

Let’s be brutally honest here. Isn’t this the essence of what our culture is trying to sell us?

Now it seems that the American Dream has the connotation that you have all that you want, whenever you want, however you want, and it takes very little work or sacrifice or risk on our part. And that the more and more and more you have, the happier and happier and happier you will be.

I guess I’m getting fed up with the cycle of over-indulgence I see in my life and in the lives of others. It is sucking the very life we desire right out of us.

Frankly, we’re losing too many of our Kingdom dreams to the god of comfort and skewed expectations.

God didn’t promise that we’d never go without. He promised that when we lacked for something, that he would be our comfort.

God never promised us a risk-free life of security. In fact, he told us it would cost our very lives; death to self-life in order to have true life.

And he never promised our journey with him would be a sweet, smooth, and gently rambling paved highway.

He did say that life on earth would be difficult, that our hearts would be broken, that we would go without, and that following him would cost us a lot.

AND THAT HE IS SUFFICIENT.

The truth is what we really need more of is Jesus.

We will never find the fulfillment when we seek more of anything else.

We must stop letting the god of comfort rule our lives and steal our dreams.

Today, I’m going to make some hard, uncomfortable decisions. I’m going to focus on all that God is and has done for me and my family. And I’m going to do what I can to love God and love others even though it might cost me more than I’d like.

AHHHH…I can already feel the life growing….

“Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.

And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.   Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”  Matthew 5:1-12

Jun27

Taking a Rest from Not Enough

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Teri

A couple days ago I talked about God calling me to spend the summer resting up for the next season of the Dream Tour.

I confess that I don’t do it very well.

This resting gig has pointed out another thing in me that isn’t very attractive…funny how that happens, eh? Well not really funny, but you know what I mean.

SO…I’m working three odd jobs to help make ends meet, I’m spending about 20 hours a week on the ministry, writing, and coaching, I’m homeschooling my daughter 2-3 hours a day, I’m writing on the novel about 10 hours a week, and living the life of a single parent.

Yet…I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.

I just took two and a half days off from any work and thought I was going to die.

I continue to fall into the trap of “never enough”. There just is never enough money or money. I’m just never smart or effective enough. I’m never a good enough mom or coach or person. I am just not enough.

Okay…I thought I had already dealt with that issue and had moved on.

Apparently not.

Or maybe this is just another layer to the onion of my garbage that God is peeling away?

Could it be that the “not enough” monster doesn’t get me quite as badly as it did, say, a year ago?  And maybe it won’t get me as badly a year from now?

Could it be that this is what it looks like to grow? Is this what it feels like when God transforms you?

Which leads me to another bit of tension we must live in as Christ-followers…

I’m not enough, but God is. It’s in my weakness and inadequacy God is more.

Ahhhh….

That’s a promise I like resting on. How about you?

 

Jun18

Breaking Hearts for Broken Hearts

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Teri

A crazy thing happened this morning.

A Heavenly lesson smacked me right in the face and, if that wasn’t good enough, it went all Flashdance around me ended with bright, neon lights. I have a feeling God really, really wanted me to catch on.

Ever have that happen to you?

It all started when I was reading about Hezekiah (2 Kings 18 -20).

He was one of the best kings of Israel. He was passionate and faithful and helped bring the people back to the Lord. He weathered some pretty tough storms by trusting God. From every account, Hezekiah was God’s man.

He wasn’t perfect though. I was okay reading about his failings until I got to the last few years of his life.

God healed Hezekiah from a fatal illness and promised 15 additional fruitful and peaceful years before he died. That’s the good news…

But then the prophet Isaiah gave him the bad news. After Hezekiah’s death the kingdom would fall into the hands of Babylon and his family and his people would be carried off to Babylon and enslaved there.

Guess how Hezekiah’s responded?

“Then Hezekiah said to Isaiah, ‘The word of the Lord that you have spoken is good.’ For he thought, ‘Why not, if there will be peace and security in my days?’” 2 Kings 20:19

Yeah. As long as it doesn’t affect me – it’s all good.

At the very core of his heart, Hezekiah was selfish. Really selfish.

How do I know? A few years prior he learned another force was coming to take their land (while he was still in it), Hezekiah torn his clothes and mourned and wailed to the Lord. He pleaded on behalf of himself and his people for their deliverance.

But, when he finds out that he isn’t going to be affected by the invasion…the word from the Lord is good.

He wasn’t thinking about his family or his people. He was just relieved that he didn’t have to go through it himself.

UUUUGLY!

I was getting ready to pull out my laundry list of judgements against Hezekiah when God softly spoke into my heart, “You feel the same way. You care if you are affected, but when you aren’t directly affected, your heart doesn’t break for them.”

Just let me say, “OUCH!”

The lesson went on the more I prayed.

I could see people in my own circle of family and friends who are suffering and drowning in their own sin, yet it’s too uncomfortable to actually acknowledge their pain and meet them there. You know…I don’t want to rock the boat…it could make family gatherings awkward…for me.

When I look at my community I see the same thing to be true. I’m great to minister to people who are solid Christ-followers pursing the deeper things of Christ. But,  I’m not so keen on reaching out to those who are too lost, too broken, or too stuck… for my comfort.

I guess I want some assurance that if I take a risk to love them, that somehow it will work out…for me.

That was the smack between the eyes part.

I’ll say it again, “OUCH! and UUUUGLY!”

The FlashDance part happened when the first song I heard this morning was, “Give me Your Eyes” by Brandon Heath.

I love that song. I’ve heard it dozens of times. But, this morning I heard it very differently.

It hurt my very soul this morning. It stirred something in me…a conviction…that I want to love others as God loves. I want to hurt and ache for others simply because they ache. I want to love even when it’s uncomfortable, messy, and inconvenient…for me.

I want to love simply because God loves.

There is more bad news…I can’t do it.

Even if I behave as though I’m loving others, what really matters is what’s in the core of my heart – my motivation for loving others. In my own strength, I’m incapable of being anything but self-absorbed.

But, the best news is God can change our hearts and make them new. In fact, that’s his gig. It’s what he loves to do. All I need to do is ask.

Here’s the neon lights part…Of course, the next song I heard was “Hosanna” by Hillsong. In it is the best prayer for just such a heart as mine…maybe even yours too…

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have love me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity