”None of us can approach a serious study and consideration of the eternal nature and person of Jesus Christ without sensing and confessing our complete inadequacy in the face of the divine revelation.” A. W. Tozer
There are a few, simple maxims I use to help guide me.
One of those is, “I ain’t a gonna pretend to be something I ain’t.” Although it’s horrific grammar, it is good sense. One of the many ways we mess up following “the way” of Jesus is when we pretend we have it all together.
Having permission to **not** have it all together
is kinda the point of the gospel.
My little, grammatically incorrect ditty reminds me that I don’t want to be the type of Christian who stands beside the cross and says, “Look at me. I wish you all were as pious as me.” Aaaaaa…no.
I want to be a follower who kneels before the cross and professes, “Come on – there’s room! Join me! If Jesus can save a wretch like me, he sure has you covered.”
I’m tired. I confess, I am weary.
Today, this Christian walk thing seems like a burden, a great weight I can’t seem to lift.
Today, letting God lead feels a whole lot like death. It feels like God is relentless attacking every single stinking remnant of selfish ambition, desire, and pride inside of me.
You know, if I’m not mistaken, I think He is intent on destroying EVERYTHING in me that is not like Jesus.
I mean, seriously!
I like food. I really, really like it. It comforts me. It soothes me when I’m feeling down. It brings me up, so much in fact, that I take second helpings. Okay, thirds sometimes, but only once in awhile. I’m not nearly the overeater that most American’s are.
I think God is intent on me learning **gasp** moderation! Seems like he thinks I run to food for comfort a bit too much. It’s like He thinks it’s damaging this masterpiece of a temple he created as well as causing some serious self-loathing injuries to my soul. I even think that the God of the universe has the audacity to think that I should run to Him for comfort.
Huh…okay…well, I can see His point. BUT…
What about the patience thing? I mean, I’ve been holding out for God to make good on a few promises He made years ago. How long must I wait? I’ve been good, obedient, patient. I’ve gone above and beyond, if you ask me. And…still waiting…clock ticking…waiting…when, Lord, when? I mean, I’ve been more faithful and patient than most Christians. I deserve a break, right?
Am I doing this Christian thing wrong? Maybe I’m messing up something that’s making God hold back his blessing? Just tell me how to do it right. Give me the checklist of dos and don’ts, then I got this thing nailed!
Oh yeah…God’s been speaking oodles to me about the performance driven faith thing that seems to permeate every fiber of my being. **deep sigh** If only I could be more like Beth Moore.
And then there’s that comparison thing.
**** pause for contemplation ****
Geez…you’d think He was doing spiritual surgery or something.
Did I say that I was weary?
I’m thinking it’s easier to pretend that everything-is-oh-so-cool and that I believe God’s main gig is to ensure I’m happy, healthy, and wealthy. It’s boring, unfulfilling, and oozing with silent shame – I’ll give you that. But, easier than having every idol I’ve hung my hope on blasted into bits.
(Am I comparing again?)
I’m a gleaming ray of sunshine, aren’t I? (The good news – the times I feel like this are becoming less often and don’t last as long.)
When I feel like this there is only one place that really brings the comfort that matters.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.” Psalm 130:5-6